Grandma’s Hands

(This wonderful song was written and sung by the incomparable Bill Withers.  Other great versions were done by Livingston Taylor and Josh White, Jr.)

Warning:  This post is rated R and is not suitable for children or anyone else with delicate sensitivities.

Many people have heard me say that the Chinese do three things better than anyone else:  tea, mushrooms, and tofu.  But that’s only in the realm of food (which is my favorite “land” in Disneyland).  There is another invention of the Chinese that I think ranks way up there:  foot massage (also called foot reflexology).  The Chinese believe that through serious foot massage, many healing benefits can be realized throughout the body.

My first foot massage was in a small mountain village called Wuyishan, in the mountains of Fujian province.  I was there with two TJ students, and we stumbled upon this place that gave good massages for $5.  It was wonderful!

Then in 2012 I went to Xi’An to see the Terra Cotta Warriors.  After lunch one day my Chinese colleagues asked what I’d like to do, and I said get a foot massage.  We quickly found a nice spa and they lined all four of us up adjacently, each with a different massager.  (I can’t really call them masseuses.)  My massager asked me, through translation, if I wanted it soft, medium, or hard.  I, being a supermacho, said hard.  For the next hour, I had to grip both sides of the couch, teeth clenched, and occasionally uttering an involuntary whimper.  If I were in Tombstone, Arizona, in the 1880s, she would have given me a bullet to bite down on.

Then, when I was living in Beijing, I found a great foot massage place close to my apartment, and I went there about once a week.  Sadly, the price had soared to $8.  Truly sadly, they closed.  Like the U.S., there is high turnover of small business in Chinese cities.  I was so desperate I bought what was supposed to be a foot massager…,

…but it really didn’t do anything.  Maybe I should have pushed the “On” button.

In Virginia I have a Brookstone (also out of business) version of a foot massager, and it’s not half bad.

Whenever I’m in Beijing, I try to find time to visit my old back massager, Jerry.  I had a serious back problem once, and I went to Jerry three times a week.  He’s really good, as is his wife Annie.  Blind massagers are common in Beijing (and maybe other parts of China, too) because the government subsidizes them, and therefore their prices are low.  In 2008 Jerry was part of an elite group of blind massagers serving participants in the Olympic Games.  Here I am with Jerry and Annie.

These are two of the nicest people on Earth.  They work 12-hour days with 30 minutes for lunch, 7 days a week.  And they are grateful for what they have, they are always smiling, and I wish I could see them more often.  They have a sighted daughter in college in southern China.

One time Jerry suggested I have cupping on my back.  Annie is the cupping master, so she did it.

I believe the theory goes something like this:  the “doctor” heats the air inside the glass cup, usually with a candle, then quickly puts it on the patient’s skin.  As the air cools inside the cup, a suction (not a true vacuum, of course) is created, pulling the skin into the cup a little bit.  This is supposed to increase blood flow in that area, thereby increasing healing through natural means.  The scientific basis for this assumption is weak at best, but I like the feel of it.  It’s like someone scratching your back really hard.

With me there occasionally is a problem in that the hair on my back sometimes prevents the cup from getting a good seal, and the glass cups fall off onto the floor.  Annie, who sees slightly better than Jerry, was able to find them.

I’m sure if I asked Jerry to give me an hour’s foot massage he would, but I suspect he may be insulted if I do, thinking that I’ve lost appreciation for his back and neck massages (which I haven’t).

OK, back to the foot massage issue.  Wherever I travel in China I try to find a reputable but affordable foot massage.  One of the cities I visit regularly is Hefei.  On my last trip there, someone recommended a place not too far from my hotel.  The concierge kindly arranged for a DiDi pickup – in 2016, DiDi bought Uber China – and I was taken to this small pedestrian-only shopping area.  (I’ll talk more about this in the next post.)

Anyway, after wandering around for a while, I finally found the massage place (purple curtains).

I walked in just as they were opening and they weren’t quite ready, so they asked me to sit down and they brought me some tea and goodies while they performed their customary opening ceremony.

In China it is very common for businesses to start their day with the employees all lined up, facing each other, while the manager gives them instructions and a pep talk for the day.

This particular ceremony was held inside the business, but it is often held on the sidewalk in front of businesses.  If you’re DiDi-ing through Beijing around 9 or 10 a.m. you’ll probably see people lined up like this on the sidewalks.  When I first saw this I thought it was a bit bizarre.  And guess what:  I still do.

Soon the ceremony was over, and the manager (blue shirt) came and asked me what I wanted.  I said I was looking for a foot massage.  She responded that they don’t do that here, but she recommended another place close by, so I left.  (Later the person who recommended the place thought there was some discrimination at play here, but we didn’t know whether it was based on age, race, or my American accent.)

I went to find the other place, which I did.  As soon as I walked in, I realized this was a high-class joint.

I knew this because Judy came up to me and handed me her business card with her personal cell phone number.

Judy led me down a nice-looking hallway…

…to a room where she asked me to take off my clothes and slip into “something more comfortable,” which looked to me like leopard pajamas with short pants.

Judy left, I changed, and in walked #37.  As she was filling the tub at the end of the bed for my feet, I experienced a sense of euphoria with the anticipation of a professional foot massage.  Instead, she started massaging my ears…,

…then cleaning them,…

…and finally treating me to a tuning fork vibrating against the cleaning stick.

And, believe it or not, there is in fact something called “tuning fork therapy.”

Both ears took a total of about 15 minutes.  Finally, she made her way down to my feet and I got a great massage.  I’ll be back and I’ll look for #37.

I was looking forward to getting to Shanghai because I discovered a great foot massage place near my hotel.  But the knuckleheads put me up in a different part of the city, so on a free evening, I had to wander around looking for a foot massage place.

I found one.  I walked in and there were several women waiting.  One of them came up to me and asked if I wanted a massage?  I said yes, a foot massage.  She showed me the price list and tried to get me to buy the fancy package, but I resisted, saying I wanted only a simple foot massage.

Her name was Amy.  She was about 35, but she looked like she had led (was leading?) a hard life.  We went into a little room.  I sat down, rolled up my pants to the knees, and waited for her to return with the bucket of warm water with a tea bag in it.

I put my feet in the water, and it felt very soothing after a long day’s work.  But instead of working on my feet, she began rubbing my thighs, asking me if I wanted something she called a “happy massage.”  She asked me this 6-8 times during the next 5 minutes, and I consistently told her all I wanted was a standard foot massage.  She said she had a sister who had a tea shop around the corner, and afterwards she would take me there.  I think I just grunted.

Eventually she located my feet.  Clearly, she did not have a Ph.D. in reflexology.  I was glad when my hour was up.  She led me back downstairs where a guy was standing, ready to take my money.  He looked at her and she shrugged, saying something in Chinese.  He did not look happy.  (Maybe HE needs a “happy massage.”)  Fortunately, I had the exact amount (158 RMB or about $23) because I may not have gotten any change from this guy.  Amy asked me how long I was going to be in town, and I said 3 more days.  She wanted me to come back, though I can’t imagine why.  Strangely, Amy forgot about our date at her sister’s tea shop, so I left.

If you are a male and walking by yourself in a touristy part of Shanghai, you WILL be accosted.  Beware!  Sexual harassment of males in China is not an offense recognized by the government.